Life can be a funny and cruel thing.
When we decided to have a baby the first time, everything happened so easily. Within 3 months of deciding we would try for a baby, we found out I was pregnant. Sure morning sickness knocked me on my behind but everything was fine. Then with Henry he was simply our "surprise baby" and pregnancy with him was actually pretty easy. Just the normal aches and pains of pregnancy. It was easy and simple.
I think every married couple has that conversation when it is time to have kids to discuss, how many kids they want. Then after you have your first child, you revisit that topic. Because lets be honest, the expectations vs the reality of kids is very different. My number has always been 3. I wanted 3 kids. Even when life was crazy insane with the 2 boys, I would look at them and know. We were missing the final piece to our family. On Columbus Day, I found out we were expecting Baby Cota #3. I always kind of go into shock after we find out we are pregnant. Like suddenly it hits me how much will have to change and I immediately create a massive mental "to do" list for both China Man and myself.
Even after we found out, I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I estimated to be between 6-7 weeks pregnant and I was not throwing up yet. I always have been experiencing morning sick by then. I made my intake appointment for the following week and we started the funny time period where you know you are pregnant but you want to give it more time before you announce it to many people. Later in the week, I started having weird cramps and I wanted to panic but I told myself cramps are normal and part of pregnancy. They were all in my lower back and hips which Google told me was not a good sign but there was literally nothing I could do. So I just kept on going with life and prayed literally for a miracle. The next morning China Man left for a hunting trip. I was supposed to be going away for the weekend with the boys and my family. So I got up to start packing when I realized everything I had been worried about was coming true. I was losing our baby.
The next few hours were kind of a horrible blur. I had to send the most horrible text to my husband telling him what was happening. I basically went through mini labor with contractions and cramping. You hear about when people go through things like this how sympathetic and helpful their nurses and doctors were. That was not the case for me. The midwife I spoke to, NEVER made any notes that she spoke to me so the ultra sound appointment she said I should have never was scheduled. Until we called later in the morning, and the office learned of it for the first time. Then they very begrudingly scheduled us for the last appointment of the day in the most inconvenient hospital in the middle of the city. When we did make it to the hospital no one would look at us, or even really explain anything. When I had the blood work done, when the lab tech heard the reason I was there her response was " Well good luck with that, hope it works out". It simply made a horrible experience worse.
The thing about losing a baby that early in the pregnancy is that you almost feel over dramatic for being as sad as you are. I did not carry this baby long, I lost it naturally, we had not made too many plans and we had not even told anyone yet. In so many ways this child had not changed our lives in any way yet. I remember telling China Man on the way back from the hospital that I was okay. I told him I was not going to be an emotional wreck and we would be fine. He just kissed my hand and told me we would still go to the mountains for the weekend because they always make me feel better.
The thing about grief is that it comes in waves. Everyone who has experienced grief will tell you that. Friday, I was in shock and denial. Saturday, I woke up with a broken heart, sore body and hole in my heart that will never be filled. I have experienced grief before but the grief of losing a baby is on a very different level. It runs deep and to your core. When I woke up the next morning, I honestly the hole and pain in my heart was crippling. Even now when I remember it, I tear up. I hurt so much inside, it was a level of pain and grief so deep. I went through the motions of the day, and tried to enjoy the mountains. For the first time in my life, being in the mountains could not fill me with comfort or calmness. All I could think was that for the rest of my life I will have a child, I never got to hold. A baby I never covered in kisses, tickled their belly or gave them weird nicknames. My body which has always been strong and capable betrayed me and did not protect our baby. And believe me, I have heard it many times. That this baby was just not healthy and this is natures way. However, that does not make it hurt any less. Sickly or not, that was my baby.
Life moves on whether you want it to or not. Which in some ways is worse, because then you feel so awful that life is moving on and your baby isn't moving on with you. I read that miscarriage is a lonely thing, and it is very true. I learned that babies who miscarry at this stage are known as "Angel Babies". I purchased an angel wing necklace to keep my angel baby with me always. China Man also bought a lilac bush to plant in memory of our baby. People will occasionally ask how I am doing still, and it is a funny question to me. I feel like I will never be okay again. My life is my children and I will forever be missing one child. Every week at some point during the week I am reminded that I should be carrying a baby.
The funny part about all of this is that I really wanted this third baby. China Man had been on the fence about a third child, and I was the one that pushed for this baby. I was so excited for this baby. This was the first baby, I was just pure happy about, no other emotions.
When we decided to have a baby the first time, everything happened so easily. Within 3 months of deciding we would try for a baby, we found out I was pregnant. Sure morning sickness knocked me on my behind but everything was fine. Then with Henry he was simply our "surprise baby" and pregnancy with him was actually pretty easy. Just the normal aches and pains of pregnancy. It was easy and simple.
I think every married couple has that conversation when it is time to have kids to discuss, how many kids they want. Then after you have your first child, you revisit that topic. Because lets be honest, the expectations vs the reality of kids is very different. My number has always been 3. I wanted 3 kids. Even when life was crazy insane with the 2 boys, I would look at them and know. We were missing the final piece to our family. On Columbus Day, I found out we were expecting Baby Cota #3. I always kind of go into shock after we find out we are pregnant. Like suddenly it hits me how much will have to change and I immediately create a massive mental "to do" list for both China Man and myself.
Even after we found out, I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I estimated to be between 6-7 weeks pregnant and I was not throwing up yet. I always have been experiencing morning sick by then. I made my intake appointment for the following week and we started the funny time period where you know you are pregnant but you want to give it more time before you announce it to many people. Later in the week, I started having weird cramps and I wanted to panic but I told myself cramps are normal and part of pregnancy. They were all in my lower back and hips which Google told me was not a good sign but there was literally nothing I could do. So I just kept on going with life and prayed literally for a miracle. The next morning China Man left for a hunting trip. I was supposed to be going away for the weekend with the boys and my family. So I got up to start packing when I realized everything I had been worried about was coming true. I was losing our baby.
The next few hours were kind of a horrible blur. I had to send the most horrible text to my husband telling him what was happening. I basically went through mini labor with contractions and cramping. You hear about when people go through things like this how sympathetic and helpful their nurses and doctors were. That was not the case for me. The midwife I spoke to, NEVER made any notes that she spoke to me so the ultra sound appointment she said I should have never was scheduled. Until we called later in the morning, and the office learned of it for the first time. Then they very begrudingly scheduled us for the last appointment of the day in the most inconvenient hospital in the middle of the city. When we did make it to the hospital no one would look at us, or even really explain anything. When I had the blood work done, when the lab tech heard the reason I was there her response was " Well good luck with that, hope it works out". It simply made a horrible experience worse.
The thing about losing a baby that early in the pregnancy is that you almost feel over dramatic for being as sad as you are. I did not carry this baby long, I lost it naturally, we had not made too many plans and we had not even told anyone yet. In so many ways this child had not changed our lives in any way yet. I remember telling China Man on the way back from the hospital that I was okay. I told him I was not going to be an emotional wreck and we would be fine. He just kissed my hand and told me we would still go to the mountains for the weekend because they always make me feel better.
The thing about grief is that it comes in waves. Everyone who has experienced grief will tell you that. Friday, I was in shock and denial. Saturday, I woke up with a broken heart, sore body and hole in my heart that will never be filled. I have experienced grief before but the grief of losing a baby is on a very different level. It runs deep and to your core. When I woke up the next morning, I honestly the hole and pain in my heart was crippling. Even now when I remember it, I tear up. I hurt so much inside, it was a level of pain and grief so deep. I went through the motions of the day, and tried to enjoy the mountains. For the first time in my life, being in the mountains could not fill me with comfort or calmness. All I could think was that for the rest of my life I will have a child, I never got to hold. A baby I never covered in kisses, tickled their belly or gave them weird nicknames. My body which has always been strong and capable betrayed me and did not protect our baby. And believe me, I have heard it many times. That this baby was just not healthy and this is natures way. However, that does not make it hurt any less. Sickly or not, that was my baby.
Life moves on whether you want it to or not. Which in some ways is worse, because then you feel so awful that life is moving on and your baby isn't moving on with you. I read that miscarriage is a lonely thing, and it is very true. I learned that babies who miscarry at this stage are known as "Angel Babies". I purchased an angel wing necklace to keep my angel baby with me always. China Man also bought a lilac bush to plant in memory of our baby. People will occasionally ask how I am doing still, and it is a funny question to me. I feel like I will never be okay again. My life is my children and I will forever be missing one child. Every week at some point during the week I am reminded that I should be carrying a baby.
The funny part about all of this is that I really wanted this third baby. China Man had been on the fence about a third child, and I was the one that pushed for this baby. I was so excited for this baby. This was the first baby, I was just pure happy about, no other emotions.
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